3 Things Pema Chodron Can Teach You About Finding Joy in The Failures of Parenting
The house is a mess. Dinner isn’t close to being done. The kids have been whining and cranky all day. And it seems there hasn’t been a moment to breathe. Compassion doesn’t feel possible.
Running out the door screaming might feel like the only option.
Pema, a bestselling author and Buddhist nun, recommends, make friends with the fact life (parenting) won’t always feel rewarding or even acceptable. At times, it will feel rotten, heavy and discouraging.
I’ve loved her teachings for over a decade. A talk she gave at Naropa recently, gave me some inspiration and I applied it to parenting. A path toward feeling more joy, even in the face of feeling like a failure in motherhood.
As Pema states, you will find joy bubbling up from the depths when you open up to having compassion for yourself, and your kids, in times of challenge and seeming failure. Compassion will keep you curious and learning. This will lead to the failures being teaching moments for everyone.
Compassion might not happen until the next day or next week, but at some point, it can happen.
3 Unexpected ways to find joy in parenting. Here’s my take on her advice:
1. Be ok with failing at parenting
2. Allow your feelings & your child’s feelings & open to compassion after the storms
3. Develop a basic trust in yourself and your ability to learn and grow as a parent
1. Be okay with failing at parenting.
There is a belief that by accepting feeling like a failure, you will just give up trying to do better.
Pema says she believes when you accept feelings of failure, you will be more open to discovering what you had to learn from that situation and how to carry the wisdom forward with you.
Because you wouldn’t let your toddler wear shorts outside in winter, you are now witnessing his crying, screaming, uninhibited anger. Some days it’s possible to laugh it off and let him have his fit, other days the best choice is to join him on the floor crying.
2. Allow your feelings & your child’s feelings & open to compassion after the storms
Pema says, let your anger and sadness flow through you. Notice it. Feel the heaviness.
In the midst of your child’s tantrum in the past, maybe you’ve danced like a monkey and used bribes to get your child to smile, to love you again. This time, just allow yourself to feel your feelings and allow your child to feel his.
Notice your breathing as the emotions wash over you. As you make peace with your feelings, your toddler does the same.
No need to cheer him up, no need to give a peace offering (toy, treat, etc) to make your child’s love return.
The love is there. The love comes from your child feeling safe and allowed to be his big, emotional self. The love comes from watching you, his role model, make friends with yourself again and again on the roller coaster of raising kids.
3. Develop a basic trust in yourself and your ability to learn and grow as a parent
When you have a basic trust in yourself during the ups and downs, joy will arrive.
The joy comes from the freedom in allowing all your feelings and trusting yourself to learn and grow each day. Sometimes you will be yelling and crying. Yep, happens to the best of us! Next step is saying you are sorry and being sincere with your love when you return to a place of love.
Let go of the past and know you will do the best you can moving forward. The past is gone. Kids are resilient. They will develop confidence in themselves as we develop it in ourselves.
Joy is freedom. Freedom comes from not imprisoning ourselves with unrealistic expectations and thereby opening up space to learn, grow and laugh at ourselves after the storms have gone. Freedom comes from not preventing the storms, but knowing they will return and that you are strong enough to withstand, even grow more confident in yourself with each of them.
