I Can’t Get A Moment To Myself!

I hear this a lot from moms. “My child is very needy, she won’t let me leave for even a minute.” “My baby is very clingy and cries every time someone else holds him.” “My baby just isn’t the kind of kid who will entertain himself.”

Yes, so many babies and kids want full control of mom’s attention. I experienced this with my son. I knew the potential consequences of picking him up to soothe him every time he cried (which is a very natural impulse). So, since he was able to be somewhat independent around 3 months, I made sure to give him plenty of alone play time and pause for a while before tending to each cry to see what he really needed and if he could self soothe.

He was doing pretty well at entertaining himself up to 6 months old. Then the holidays arrived. We were out of our daily rhythm and visited many more people over the two weeks. We even went to California to see Grandma and Grandpa. So, my son didn’t have time to himself for most of those two weeks. And he would almost always get picked up as soon as he started crying by some well meaning friend or relative.

We returned home and guess what, his ability to self soothe during play and nap time was almost nil. His three minutes of fussing before sleeping at naptime went to 10-15. His alone play lasted 3-5 min before crying started. Oh, the fun task of retraining.

First, time to stay home most of the week to instill our daily rhythm again. Nap times 2-2.5 hours after waking. Feeding only upon waking and not again until waking up after the next nap, exactly 5 times a day (not whenever he is fussy like Grandma liked to do). And after each feeding/meal time, solo activity time for increasing amounts of time.

For the solo time, it worked best to be near him, yet doing my own thing here and there for the first day. Then going a bit further for a bit, checking in to say hi, offering a new toy or even moving him to another activity area, then doing my own thing around the house again (our main living area is totally open so it’s easy to be in the kitchen and have him in one of three activity areas.) As long as your child is in a safe place for his age and contained, then it’s ok to be out of the area you can see him for an age appropriate time.

Mainly, when he started crying to be picked up or entertained, I’d get eye level with him and play with him for a bit, until he was no longer fussy, then pick him up if he’d been in solo play for up to 15 min (that was the goal anyway). It’s about patience, consistency and increasing the solo play in do-able chunks to work up to a time that is suitable for your child. This skill will be priceless as he/she grows! After 3 months of age…It’s never too early for any child to learn how to play on their own.